Now I'm not so sure I want to close down the blog! I quite like having the option to ramble about all stuff African!
Last night, I couln't sleep and for some reason (the "3am what if" brain) I couldn't help but think about some really silly stuff such as what if I don't like it or can't do my job etc. After a year of people telling me at first that I wouldn't be able to raise the money or that I wouldn't follow through with it and I'd get bored with fundraising and give up, then when I did raise the money, to hear that some people thought I'd be back in England before Xmas, I never thought I'd begin to doubt myself and my abilities. I never even thought about the what if I didn't make the £5000 (I am so thankful for the opportunities that I was given through out the year to help my fundraising) but I also never really thought of the what happens when I've got 23 days left in the UK and I'm beginning to say goodbye to friends and then I'll be pushed in at the deep end. ARGH!! I'm so nervous!
On a note of saying goodbye to friends, I have my last concert with the Halle Youth Choir on Friday :'( I've been on the choir for 5 years and I've made some truley awesome (if a little crazy-musicians, what can I say!) friends. They've spent the last year being persuaded to part with their money through neumerous cake sales and such, I'm so grateful to each and every one of them, everybody's been so supportive and put up with my crazed excitement and my one conversation topic (Africa). So if you can, listed to BBC R3 at 6.45pm (British time) to hear us singing Elgar's Apostles. See if you can hear the 'Jaws' moment in the Double Basses (I think!).
I don't know if I've mentioned this here before, but my Granny lives with us and has done for the last 9 months or so. She has mid/advanced alzheimers so she doesn't know who we are anymore but she is, as my friend puts it, a happy alzheimers rather than an angry alzheimers. The last 2/3 weeks I haven't really been home what with training in Scotland and a holiday in Cornwall, so I'd gone from being one of one of her carers to feeling like I don't really know her or connect with her anymore. She has good days and bad days, like anyone else but I feel like I can see how much she's dropped over the last 2 weeks, and it really worries me. When I see her every day, I don't notice as much. I realised I've prepared myself mentally for the possibility of her passing away when I'm in Africa, and I know if that happens in all likelihood, I won't be able to come home for a funeral. But I haven't prepared for if she's around physically but if she'd gone completely mentally. And I'm not so sure about how I'd react to that. It's hard, becasue when you live with someone and spend lots of time with them, you don't notice the small and gradual changes, but if I'm gone for a year I'll be so aware of those changes when I get back. So many happy thoughts to keep me occupied at night.
On a happier note, I've been learning some Xhosa. It won't be the language I'll be speaking, but I find it such and amazing language so I've learnt as much as I can! When I'm at my project, I'll be able to speak Africaans, which I've discovered is fairly similar to German (As Africaans derives mainly from Dutch, with a few 'forign' words from other languages) so I feel slightly more equipped with my German GCSE (Who knew that thing would ever come in useful?!).
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